The first installment of a story about the last Tsarina of Russia, Alexandra Feodorovna, while she was still Princess Alix of Hesse and her and Nicholas's courtship was just beginning. (I've taken to making covers.)
“You’re agitated, Alicky darling!” Ella took my hand to stop my walking to and fro. “What is it? You aren’t nervous, are you? You’re to see Xenia and Nicholas again tonight! I made sure Xenia would be allowed to come even though she’s only thirteen…”
I shook my head and pulled away from Ella’s grasp. I fumbled with the clasp on my necklace; focused on putting it around my neck and centering the pendant. I was not going to say that I was nervous to see Nicholas again after almost five years. I’d harbored a childish fondness for the Tsarevitch ever since I’d met him when I was twelve at Ella and Sergei’s wedding. But now I was sixteen and a half, far too old to feel that way for someone. I should be sensible, I thought. Sensible and greet Nicholas tonight indifferently, as an old acquaintance. Yet I could not do so. I’d been wondering, despairingly, if Nicholas still felt the same for me as he had that lovely June visit in eighteen eighty-four. It was obvious, even to me, a naïve, shy girl of barely twelve, that Nicholas felt the same, perhaps even more, for me. He’d given me a brooch, although Irene made me return it. I recalled the agony of having to give it back. He’d also sent some dried flowers for my debutante ball, he’d never once not told Xenia to include his regards in her letters to me. But still doubts plagued me.
It’s silly, I scolded myself. Silly, downright, absolutely silly. I felt Ella’s cool hand on my shoulder, and I turned to face her.
My beloved sister, so beautiful in her ball gown and brilliant emeralds. So selfless and kind, so lively and level-headed.
“You’re nervous about seeing Nicholas after four years, aren’t you?”
I nodded.
“Oh, sweetest Alix! There’s no need! He has been so eager to see you, I assure you. Maybe not so much as Xenia,” Ella laughed. Xenia, lively Xenia! I could barely wait to see her. “Yet he certainly has looked forward to this. He’s no longer the teasing boy you knew, Alix. He’s a serious, very handsome young man. And you’re not a little girl anymore, either. His parents want him to marry Helene d’Orleans, but…”
I vehemently shook my head. “No. no! Ella, don’t speak of such things! I’ve only just come out. Please. Not yet.”
“Nicholas has a mind of his own, though. I shan’t say any more, Alix, I’m just warning you. I would not be so very surprised if…well, all I can say is, it would be very strange to have my nephew be my brother-in-law, too!”
I laughed nervously as Ella kissed me on the cheek and handed me my lily-of-the-valley eau de cologne.
“You look beautiful,” she said.
“So do you,” I replied.
My heart beat like a caged bird as I walked down the stairs of Ella and Sergei’s grand home, hearing the music distantly playing from the ballroom. My brother Ernie’s frank, teasing expression as he took my arm calmed my nerves a bit, but not completely. Sergei and Ella took precedence with Ernie and I following with Papa.
“His Highness the Grand Duke Sergei, Her Highness the Grand Duchess Elizabeth. His Highness Grand Duke Ludwig of Hesse. His Highness Prince Ernest Ludwig of Hesse, Her Highness Princess Alix of Hesse…” The footman sounded very imperious as he announced our names.
Nicholas and Xenia were not yet there. I felt out of place, and clung to Ernie’s arm nervously as I scanned the room. Nobody I knew, at all. Ella began to introduce some of her friends, but I only made half-hearted responses.
Then I heard it.
“His Majesty Tsar Alexander the Third, Her Majesty Tsaritsa Marie Feodorovna, His Highness the Tsarevitch Nicholas. His Highness Grand Duke George, Her Highness Grand Duchess Xenia…”
Ella and Sergei came forward to welcome the important guests. Then the moment I had been most dreading and looking forward to at the same time came.
“Alix!” cried Xenia, rushing forward and giving me a hug. “How grown-up you look! You sent us your confirmation photograph, but…! I love your dress! How have you been? I hope the journey wasn’t too awful. It’s so cold! I hope we can go sledding and ice-skating. I’m so glad you’re here!”
“Xenia, stop chattering!” Nicholas laid a hand on his sister’s shoulder. “Welcome, Alix.”
He took my gloved hand and kissed it lightly.
“It’s wonderful to see you again after so long,” I heard myself say.
“Yes, four and a half years.”
We stared at each other for an awkward moment before I blushed and looked down. He was so much more handsome than I had remembered him being.
“If you aren’t otherwise engaged, Alix, I would dearly love to dance the first dance with you.”
Heat rushed to my face. Mentally I groped at straws. Why hadn’t Ernie stayed with me instead of going off to the punch bowl? Then it would be obvious to Nicholas that my brother had escorted me and that I was obliged to dance the first dance with my escort.
“Oh, Nicky! Don’t be so dim! She’s got to dance the first dance with her escort, silly!”
Nicholas stared at Xenia for a few moments. “Oh! Right! I’m sorry. The second, then?”
“Yes! Of course! I’d love to.” Silently I mouthed, “thank you,” to Xenia, who looked baffled.
Just then the orchestra struck the opening chords of the first dance. Ernie came rushing up to me, and clapped Nicholas on the back heartily, greeting him before we went off to the dance floor. I saw Nicholas’s mother come up to him with a dark-haired young woman in a pink dress. Nicholas, rather grudgingly, took her arm.
Ernie and I didn’t talk much as we danced. I was glad, in fact, to begin the ball with someone I felt endlessly comfortable with. Nicholas, in contrast to this, would be at once an agony of awkwardness, and yet at the same time, a delight, for I had wished for such a thing for a long while. All to soon and yet all to slowly, the dance came to an end and Nicholas came to claim me.
Next installment coming later. Forgive the sappiness of some parts!!
No comments:
Post a Comment