I stood at the window of my room at the Beloselsky-Belozersky at Ella and Sergei’s Belozersky-Belozersky Palace. Across the Fontanka River I could see the Anichkov Palace, the destination of my sister, her husband, my brother, Ella’s lady-in-waiting and I that January afternoon. It was to be a sledding party with the children of the Tsar.
Apprehension and excitement fluttered in my stomach as Ekaterina “Kitty”, Ella’s lady-in-waiting, buttoned the last tiny button on the back of my dress. In a way my corset made my nervousness worse. I knew it was silly of me to be nervous, because I’d already seen Nicholas just yesterday, and everything had been all right. Still, it was my nature, and I couldn’t help it. I was excited, too, though.
I could not see the snow hill in the gardens of Anichkov Palace, but I knew it was there. The glaringly bright sun glinted off the trim of the grand buildings all around the St. Petersburg streets, and I was reminded of the first time I’d ever been to that city, when I was twelve years old, for Ella’s wedding. I still felt some of that awe. This time, however, the entire city was covered in the most beautiful snow.
“Come, Alix, if you’re ready.”
My boot heels clicked on the polished floors as I followed Ella and Kitty down to the entry hall. A maid helped them into their fur-trimmed coats; then me. I felt weighed down and too warm. The hatpin securing my hat to the knot of hair on top of my head dug into my scalp, and the high collar of my dress scratched my chin.
I pulled on my fur-lined gloves, apprehension and excitement fluttering in my stomach. I heard hooves outside the door, and Ella called out,
“The sleigh is here!”
Clutching the inside of my muff, I followed Ella, our brother Ernie, Ella’s husband Sergei, and Kitty out of the double doors into the snow-covered courtyard. The cold bit me fiercely in the face, and I knew my nose would be red by the time we got there. Bother.
Ella, Sergei and Kitty rode facing the driver; Ernie and I rode so it would be backwards. The satiny lining of my muff slipped against my leather gloves as I rubbed it between my fingers.
“Eager to see Nicholas?” Ernie asked casually as we rode over the Anichkov bridge.
“Ernest! Don’t tease her!” Ella scolded merrily.
I bit my lip. What Ernie said was true. I was eager to see Nicholas. And Xenia. I hoped that they hadn’t invited anyone else; that there wasn’t going to be a great crowd of strangers. If there was anything I hated, it was that. I couldn’t help it, I was frightfully shy.
“There’s the Anichkov Palace, Alix,” said Ella, pointing. The elegant beige and white palace loomed ahead. It was simple, for a palace, not at all opulent like the Winter Palace. “You remember going to the party there that Aunt Minnie had for all the young people back in eight-four, don’t you?”
I remembered that party all to well. I’d had to give back a brooch Nicholas had given me a few days before, on the insistence of my sister Irene. I did understand that it was improper to accept a gift of that sort, even if it was only very small, and not ostentatious, but I still felt the agony of having to return it whenever I thought about it now, nearly five years later.
I heard happy shrieks from the gardens as the sleigh drove into the courtyard, and then a furry form ran towards the carriage.
“Alix! Aunty Ella! Uncle Sergei!”
It was Xenia. Ernie leapt out of the sleigh as it drew to a halt and held out his hand to help me down. My boot slipped on the snow-caked ledge, and I dropped my muff.
“Here’s your muff,” said Xenia, handing it to me. “But you’d better leave it in the carriage, ’cause we’re sliding on the hills! You’ll fall off if you don’t hang on.”
“All…all right,” I stammered, placing my muff on the seat of the sleigh. Ella’s muff joined mine.
Xenia grabbed my hand and began pulling me across the footprint-packed snow towards a large, slick hill in the expanse of the gardens. Two sleds careened down the hill all at once: Nicholas; George and little Olga; and then Mikhail on his stomach.
Gingerly I stepped over another sled laying on the ground as Ernie ran forward to greet Nicholas, who was getting off his sled. Ella and Kitty followed with Sergei at a more sedate pace.
I felt a little fluttery as Nicholas clapped Ernie on the back, but then he came forward, clasped my hand and said the briefest of hellos, and then moved on to Ella.
I felt the slightest bit disappointed as I heard him calling out “Tetinka!” his nickname for Ella. It means ‘little aunt.’
“C’mon, Alix, let’s go!” said Xenia, leaving no time for me to be disappointed any longer as she grabbed a sled and began pulling it up the hill. I followed, trying my hardest not to slip and make a spectacle of myself. I was glad that there was not water poured on the back of the hill.
Standing at the top of the hill, I looked down at the slickness of it, and cringed. It looked like fun, and yet I knew that if Irene was here, she would scold me that especially now that I was sixteen and had come out, I must behave like a lady and not improperly.
I looked out on the sparkling whiteness, like powdered diamonds, and the white-coated, bare-branched trees. I so longed to slide down. Desire to indulge in fun wrestled with my natural instinct to remain ladylike.
“Come on!” cried Xenia, sitting down on the front of the sled.
Carefully I sat down behind her, arranging my heavy skirts. I winced, seeing it was impossible to sit behind Xenia without putting my legs around her, and thus showing my ankles and thus a bit of my leg. I panicked.
“Xenia!” I hissed into her ear.
“What?”
“My…ankles! Can’t you cover them with your skirt?”
Casting an impish glance at her oldest brother, Xenia did as I asked. I smoothed my bunched skirts over my knees.
“All right,” I said. “I suppose you can push off now.”
With a yelp of excitement, she shoved us off, and we sped down the icy snow at an alarmingly delightful speed. I clutched the sides of the sled, the wood cutting into my hands, cushioned by my gloves. I held my breath, sitting rigidly because of my corset. Xenia kept on shrieking with the thrill of it, but I couldn’t do anything but hang on for dear life. I couldn’t even enjoy it because I was so worried about my ankles, about being improper, about falling off!
When we got to the end of the steep, glassy-smooth snow hill, I climbed off as quick as I could, shaking the snow from my skirts and blushing furiously.
Ella was climbing up the hill now, with six-year-old Olga leading the way. I watched in anticipation, wondering what Ella would do, how she would proceed. I had always followed her example as a little girl, and I still looked up to her often.
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